This time of year is really crazy. When school is wrapping up, a lot of the kids are already on summer break, at least in their minds. With my own finals closing in, I am a bit overtired and overwhelmed, and with kids acting out all day long it is really hard to keep my patience with my own children. By the time evening rolls around, I just long for a little quiet time a time to myself without interruption. Needless to say in a house with four kids this does not happen.
I remember a younger day, when life was way simpler, a time before I became pregnant with my daughter when I lived in an incredible apartment with a loft. This apartment was awesome, and originally I was supposed to get a roommate, however, that did not happen. This is probably about the only time in my life that I have ever lived completely alone. It was a grand time, life was simple. I remember things like soaking in the tub, while listening to the sounds of nature CD by candlelight. I also remember reading an entire book in a 24 hour period. These times seem so far removed from me that it almost seems as if these experiences are someone else's, even though I can see the images of this time crystal clear in my mind.
I feel sometimes, like my life is just run, run, run with no break in sight. Working and going to school plus taking care of the kids and the house, I feel that life is just work all the time. I am disappointed with myself, that I can't focus more energy on my kids and I know that I don't appreciate them in near the way I should.
It is really hard to remember what it was like to read a book or have a clear thought. I miss those days, when I still had a mind. When I was younger, if I met someone who didn't want kids I thought they must be crazy. I have always wanted kids, lots of kids. I guess now I do understand why people would not want children. I mean there is never a time that I can leave my house clean and come back and it still be clean. As a matter of fact I have backed off of a lot of cleaning, because it is a pointless and disappointing process. Always, coming back to the same messes over and over again without fail is an extremely frustrating process. My mom keeps telling me that I need to be harder on the kids and I do keep on them from time to time, but to keep on them all the time, is quite honestly a difficult task. If I come in to find a mess, most of the time I get the It Wasn't Me or the I didn't do it. It is amazing how many things are done wrong in my home by absolutely no one.
I am glad to be a mother and can't imagine life without my children, I am very proud of who they are and who they are becoming. I think that for the most part they are on a pretty good path in life, and I think we have a pretty good relationship. My kids know that they can talk to me about anything, and they do. They even most times will rat themselves out to me, which I really think is awesome. I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world, but there are some moments where I hang on by a string, wondering if I am doing a good job, or messing them up for life. I guess that answer will lie in the future, but for now all I can do is try to keep my sanity. People say that I will miss these days when they are gone, and I say, will I even know my name by then?
Posted on Saturday, April 05, 2008 11:16 PM by Carol Ann